The Difficulty of Giving

I was supposed to work all weekend. It didn't happen. Well, as far as the actual work goes. The system I work on wasn't working properly so I got to babysit the computer all day on Saturday in case it came back up so I could notify the rest of my team that they could start working. Make sense? No? Sorry. Anyway, I was already frustrated that I lost my Saturday so I could do, basically, nothing. But! The Help Desk informed me that the system should be working just fine and dandy (not their words) by 4 a.m. my time on Sunday. So! I hauled myself out of bed, logged on to the computer, entered the system site and....nothing. I got to drive in to work to reboot my computer just to be sure it wasn't a company computer problem. It wasn't. I called the Help Desk, yet again, and they said that it will be another 2 hours before it's working. I headed home.

But! Before I left I grabbed a couple slices of pizza from when we worked late Friday night and put them in a Ziploc bag to take home with me. Then I grabbed a Sprite out of the fridge. Let me explain at this point that I don't usually do either of those things. I never take drinks home from work. I consume them while I'm there. And if we've ordered food I don't take it home unless we had individual orders. Such was not the case. But today I felt compelled to do so. No particular reason. Just thought I might want a snack during the day while I'm working...IF I'm working.

As I was leaving the building I noticed some pretty pink clouds and wanted to take pictures. As I'm a night owl, I rarely get to enjoy a sunrise and the one this morning was kinda nice. After I took those pictures I decided to take some neat shots of the buildings and fountains, etc. It was nice and peaceful out and I was working some of the cranky off.

When I was driving away I noticed a gentleman who appeared to be one of the homeless who seek shelter downtown. He didn't seem quite to the point of emaciation but he can definitely stand to put on a few pounds. As I was passing I considered giving him my food and drink but drove on instead. The minute I passed him my chest got tight and I felt awful. I drove back around the block but he was already going up the steps to get to the other side of the little park and I really couldn't be expected to park my car, get out and follow this man. Could I? I drove on. The feeling in my chest was NOT going to let up. I drove around the block again and saw that he had stopped in a shade of trees next to a fountain. A very tranquil setting I'm sure...if you don't have daily survival on your mind. I still couldn't get up the courage (?) to get out of the car. I drove on.

I was really going to go home this time. It wasn't that I was bound and determined that this food and drink was mine and I didn't want to share it. I was just ambivalent about the situation. Why was I arguing with myself about this? It's silly! I was headed home, for sure this time, and finally ended the argument. I did NOT need this food and he did. I turned back, parked the car and walked over to him. At no point in all of my self-argument was I feeling afraid of this man. Yes, I do tend to be shy upon meeting new people and that might have been a small part of this mess but I did not fear for my personal safety. I walked up to him, offered the food and drink. He took it and thanked me over and over and told me what a nice lady I am. If he only knew. I'm glad he didn't know about the struggle I went through to give him food.

If you have seen me lately, you know I am not hurting for food. I am VERY well fed. In fact, I've been dieting the last couple months because of just how well fed I am. What is wrong with me that I had to drive around the block three times to give food to someone who needed it so much more than I? I was going to snack on it. This was a meal for him. I should have immediately stopped the car and taken it to him. When I did finally approach him I felt so much better but when I got back in my car I had to cry. This should never have been an issue. A wonderful couple I know and several people from their church went and bought Subway sandwiches, chips and drinks and took them to the homeless yesterday. They PLANNED this. They went out of their way to buy the food and then took it to people who needed it. I was already there and had the food in hand. I am so ashamed of myself today.

I would love to be able to say someday that this was the turning point in my life. We'll see. I just don't believe that all of the steps leading up to this were a coincidence. I could have waited until after church to go in to the office. Instead, I drove in early in the morning! I didn't need to take the food home with me. I didn't need to stop and take pictures. None of this was necessary...for me. But maybe, just maybe someone was telling me that it was necessary for him.