The Difficulty of Giving

I was supposed to work all weekend. It didn't happen. Well, as far as the actual work goes. The system I work on wasn't working properly so I got to babysit the computer all day on Saturday in case it came back up so I could notify the rest of my team that they could start working. Make sense? No? Sorry. Anyway, I was already frustrated that I lost my Saturday so I could do, basically, nothing. But! The Help Desk informed me that the system should be working just fine and dandy (not their words) by 4 a.m. my time on Sunday. So! I hauled myself out of bed, logged on to the computer, entered the system site and....nothing. I got to drive in to work to reboot my computer just to be sure it wasn't a company computer problem. It wasn't. I called the Help Desk, yet again, and they said that it will be another 2 hours before it's working. I headed home.

But! Before I left I grabbed a couple slices of pizza from when we worked late Friday night and put them in a Ziploc bag to take home with me. Then I grabbed a Sprite out of the fridge. Let me explain at this point that I don't usually do either of those things. I never take drinks home from work. I consume them while I'm there. And if we've ordered food I don't take it home unless we had individual orders. Such was not the case. But today I felt compelled to do so. No particular reason. Just thought I might want a snack during the day while I'm working...IF I'm working.

As I was leaving the building I noticed some pretty pink clouds and wanted to take pictures. As I'm a night owl, I rarely get to enjoy a sunrise and the one this morning was kinda nice. After I took those pictures I decided to take some neat shots of the buildings and fountains, etc. It was nice and peaceful out and I was working some of the cranky off.

When I was driving away I noticed a gentleman who appeared to be one of the homeless who seek shelter downtown. He didn't seem quite to the point of emaciation but he can definitely stand to put on a few pounds. As I was passing I considered giving him my food and drink but drove on instead. The minute I passed him my chest got tight and I felt awful. I drove back around the block but he was already going up the steps to get to the other side of the little park and I really couldn't be expected to park my car, get out and follow this man. Could I? I drove on. The feeling in my chest was NOT going to let up. I drove around the block again and saw that he had stopped in a shade of trees next to a fountain. A very tranquil setting I'm sure...if you don't have daily survival on your mind. I still couldn't get up the courage (?) to get out of the car. I drove on.

I was really going to go home this time. It wasn't that I was bound and determined that this food and drink was mine and I didn't want to share it. I was just ambivalent about the situation. Why was I arguing with myself about this? It's silly! I was headed home, for sure this time, and finally ended the argument. I did NOT need this food and he did. I turned back, parked the car and walked over to him. At no point in all of my self-argument was I feeling afraid of this man. Yes, I do tend to be shy upon meeting new people and that might have been a small part of this mess but I did not fear for my personal safety. I walked up to him, offered the food and drink. He took it and thanked me over and over and told me what a nice lady I am. If he only knew. I'm glad he didn't know about the struggle I went through to give him food.

If you have seen me lately, you know I am not hurting for food. I am VERY well fed. In fact, I've been dieting the last couple months because of just how well fed I am. What is wrong with me that I had to drive around the block three times to give food to someone who needed it so much more than I? I was going to snack on it. This was a meal for him. I should have immediately stopped the car and taken it to him. When I did finally approach him I felt so much better but when I got back in my car I had to cry. This should never have been an issue. A wonderful couple I know and several people from their church went and bought Subway sandwiches, chips and drinks and took them to the homeless yesterday. They PLANNED this. They went out of their way to buy the food and then took it to people who needed it. I was already there and had the food in hand. I am so ashamed of myself today.

I would love to be able to say someday that this was the turning point in my life. We'll see. I just don't believe that all of the steps leading up to this were a coincidence. I could have waited until after church to go in to the office. Instead, I drove in early in the morning! I didn't need to take the food home with me. I didn't need to stop and take pictures. None of this was necessary...for me. But maybe, just maybe someone was telling me that it was necessary for him.

Faith

As a young girl I had absolute faith that I would grow up, get married in my early twenties and have babies right away. I had no doubts. It's just how things are done in my family. I am the only woman in at least three generations of my family to not have a baby in my early 20s (or in some cases, a little bit earlier). Did my faith fail me? No. I don't think so. I can't explain why I wasn't given what I wanted. I do believe that I took the fact for granted. I didn't pray for it because I knew I had it coming so I didn't need to worry about a silly thing like that. Ha! And double Ha!

Although I haven't gotten what I wanted, nay believed I would get, long ago, I still believe I'm not forgotten. I do have my days when I wonder, though. I never wanted to be an "old mom". I wanted to be the cute young mom. Oh well. But I still wouldn't mind even being the old mom at this point. I'm just saying...

I so got off the original intent of this post. Faith. When I was young I had absolute, unshakable faith. Now...it seems as if I have to work at it sometimes. And, to make matters worse, I have my days in which I question the why's and why not's. And then I have my days in which I marvel about how much faith we use in a day. For instance:

Stop signs/signals - Yes, you will get a ticket if you run one of these but not everyone cares. Yet when I'm driving, I have absolute faith that I will be able to progress through a green (or sometimes yellow) light without getting hit. While I am driving there is not an invisible wall that will prevent others from hitting me. That would be nice but it's just not there. I have to rely on absolute faith that I am going to get from where I was to where I am going safely and in one piece. I know that there are accidents and other drivers do scare me at times but all in all, I have faith.

Food - I get that the FDA checks stuff out but they can't be everywhere all the time. I blindly trust that any foods I purchase are going to be safe - if not healthy - for me. Bake sales are a big leap of faith that so many people take. You buy home made goods and just accept that they aren't going to hurt you. And then we get to the diet foods and pills. After the whole Fen Phen (Phen Fen?) incident I'm sure a lot of people were leery of trying other products. These things are supposed to help you not kill you. And after a few years people very easily hopped on other diet bandwagons. Faith...with maybe a little obsession thrown in.

Knowledge - How many people use the Internet for information? I know I do. But how do we always know that what we're reading wasn't typed by some 17-year-old kid who thinks they're funny? We don't. We take for granted that this was uploaded by someone who knows what they're talking about. I still prefer books for my information but a lot of the time it's just so much faster and easier to jump on the Internet. And how many of you have received those e-mails about certain people or companies in which they are touted as having done or said something so wrong that we are encouraged to have no dealings with them? And so many people have forwarded these messages without so much as doing a little research to find out if this is true or not? I am happy to say I always check stuff like this out before I forward it. But so many believe that since they see it in print...it must be true. Faith...sometimes unwarranted...but faith, nonetheless.

Workplace - We all think it's funny to comment about "going postal" but we believe that nothing like that will happen in our workplace nor will it follow us home. Well, most of us do. We believe that all of our co-workers have it together enough that they wouldn't harm others. And, most of the time, the thought never crosses our minds that this could happen. Faith.

Neighbors - I live in a somewhat rough neighborhood. I have heard gunshots on several occasions and have been woken up in the middle of the night by my neighbors screaming at each other on their front lawn. Let me state that I know that my neighborhood is by no means one of the roughest in the country. Not even close. There are nights, though, in which I worry that a stray bullet could hit my house or even me. Am I going to move out of this neighborhood anytime soon? Nope. One, I love my little house and two, I have faith. I do pray about it every night but it feels closer to the blind faith of my youth. I just know He's protecting me.

I'm sure there are a lot of other things we take for granted that when we stop to think about we realize that we are acting on complete and utter faith. Am I sad that God didn't give me what I knew He would nearly two decades ago? On occasion. Do I think He's forgotten me and left me to make it through this world alone? Again, when I'm at my lowest I do entertain those thoughts. And then, there are days like today where I realize that if I truly, deeply felt that way, then what would be the point of carrying on? Why shouldn't I just give up and let the world carry on without me? Oh yeah...Faith.

P.S. It really makes me laugh that atheists can make it through each day. They have no higher power in which to put their faith and yet they are just as certain as I am that they are going to get where they're going, be able to eat what they eat and that they won't get shot at work. I wonder if they would throw the fit of the century if they realized that multiple times throughout each day they rely solely on faith. Isn't that just a kick in the pants?